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If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Wed Jul 22, 2009 1:05 pm

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

sled

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by Guest on Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:37 pm

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse"

Guest
Guest


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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by Sparky on Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:57 pm

lol! Mez , I hate censorship shoot

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Wed Jul 22, 2009 3:25 pm

lmao quality joke fluffy lol!

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:23 am

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

sled

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:27 am

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:29 am

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 'Father, I have
Sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance'
Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green? 'A new woman in the Parish,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your penance.'
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy quietly replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.'

sled

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:31 am

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around i n her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:32 am

ten things men know about women:
1. thay have a vaginal opening

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.oh and tits!

sled

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:38 am

A binman knocks on a chinese take-away door.
A chinese man answers "harro wot u wan"
The binman asks "wheres ya bin"
"I bin on loo" says the chinese man.
"No mate wheres ya dustbin"
"I dust bin on the loo" says the chinese man.
"No no mate wheres your wheelie bin"
"Hokay I wheelie bin havin a w**k"

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by bat on Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:49 am

sled wrote:ten things men know about women:
1. thay have a vaginal opening

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.oh and tits!

Laughing I like this one! lololol. Maybe you could make some progress by reading Mez post about "what women mean when they talk to you" Wink

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 6:41 am

roflmfao jim....absolutely classic

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 6:42 am

why are women like parking spaces?

the best ones are taken

and the only ones left are disabled

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 6:43 am

why do women have periods?



cos they deserve them O_O

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moved

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:29 am

Hmm, don't take advantage ..... Admin

oops sorry i cocked it up ... you can post the vid again Embarassed Just keep all umm near the knuckle items in this one place please


Last edited by Virago on Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:04 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : moved to a more appropriate forum .... please keep it clean in all other forums)

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:30 am

hey hey gemma....I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF o_o

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:42 am

how do you no if your wife is dead?


the sex is the same but the dishes pile up


Last edited by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 9:03 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:44 am

why do women close ther eyes while having sex?


beacuse they cant stand to see man have a good time

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:54 am

a girl is standing at the gates to heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

she says to st peter "whats going on"

he says

"thats the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled in ther backs for wings,and small holes in ther heads for halo's"

she says

"heaven sounds terrible, i think maybe i'd rather go to hell"

st peter says

"in hell you'll be constantly raped and sodomized for ever"

the girl says

"thats ok ive already got the holes for that"

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 9:00 am

One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.


She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!


She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she
sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this
car"


He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to **** yourself when hear the price!"

startkey

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by sled on Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:39 am

I would like to add that the opinions and comments in the posts in this topic are not necessarily the opinions and comments of the writer.

In other words I'm not a sexist pig....Honest Very Happy

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 12:23 pm

you chicken sled......... lol! affraid

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 12:25 pm

startkey wrote:Hmm, don't take advantage ..... Admin

oops sorry i cocked it up ... you can post the vid again Embarassed Just keep all umm near the knuckle items in this one place please


ok..thank you mistress for allowing all the rudey jokes and err oh yeah did i post vid in wrong section..? oops Rolling Eyes

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by startkey on Thu Jul 23, 2009 12:31 pm

erm cant remember what vid it was! do u remember what it was by any chance?

No

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Post by DVA`Toxic on Thu Jul 23, 2009 6:07 pm

Oh God make it stop my sides are hurting lol! lol!

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Re: If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

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