If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

so true............. especially

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

HOW WOMEN GET INTO HEAVEN
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

Never Trust A Midget


A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

THE LITTLE RABBIT
A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't do that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living **** out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

Sometimes when **** happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a ****. Here are some **** definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...



Ghost ****

You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl.



Teflon Coated ****

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!



Gooey ****

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your *** 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.



Second Thought ****

You're all done wiping your *** and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead ****

This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly ****

You **** so much you lose 5 kilos.



Right Now ****

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



King Kong or Commode Choker ****

This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.



Wet Cheeks ****

This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your *** wet.



Wish ****

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****!



Cement Block or Oh God ****

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****.



Snake ****

This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.



Cork **** (Also Known as Floater ****)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house.



Mexican Food **** (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ******* stops burning.



Beer Drunk ****

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house.



The Frightened Turtle

The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in



The Bungee ****

The kind of **** that just hangs off your *** before it falls into the water.



The Ring of Fire ****

The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your ******* feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.



The Crippler

The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Big Bobber

The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.



The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Incredible Hulk ****

The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.



The Jack the Ripper ****

The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your *** as it pushes its way out.



The Party Pooper

The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



The Toxic Gas ****

The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.



Dirty Bowl ****

The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.



The Windy City ****

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****.



Oh ****! ****

You **** so much and wipe your *** so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!



The Never Ending ****

It's the **** that keeps running out of your *** like pea, and just when you start wiping your *** your stomach gargles and splash, more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.



Ouch That Hurt ****

The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Sry, but this is way 2 funny not to post

$h!^, i got censored, fill in the blanks, its the $h!t list

Since we're on toilet humour...

Why do you think you are the only one to put a couple of sheets down the loo first to soften the impact

How come toilet seat hinges only break when your at that party

Why do dudes never leave toilet paper for girlies at that party

How come dudes still achieve tile splashback even when standing next to loo

Why do dudes splash eachother when aiming for the public porcelain

Any scientific reason why dudes make more toilet noises than girlies

How come dudes can't achieve a blissful toilet without reading a newspaper

From the Jay Leno show, a few of her answers are why I posted it here

Ok not sextual but the language makes me put it here.

This is sooo true of the design industry. made me chuckel

I ask myself, what i could put in this thred to make it a little funny. I mean, it is called "jokes" - so there should be something to lough... hmmmm - Ore maybe we should delete the whole thread. What do you think?

I can move it to somewhere else that isn't seen but it seems a popular thread. Up to you guys, you decide

If it aint broke ..........

why do women have to wear knickers??

becoz the health and safety act states all manholes must be covered when not in use

I HAVE to wear knickers? omg where is this law written? I want to start an appeal to have it repealed.

I`ll sign the petition so Mez doesnt have to wear knickers .....pass it over here

Ok, ill sign it too; hoping we can see you without knickers - btw: the thing you are wearing on your sign, Mezi ... hmmm .... would you call this a knicker? Hehe - i think i take photoshop and take that knicker off - lol

its more a thong ....

a thong ... hmmm i had to google this out - it must be a "tanga" in german. But it doesnt look good for everyone:



But you are looking great in it Mez! I just start photoshop now

Eeew Bat Fluff was about to have tea

lololol - sry man

Yea Bat-buddy, that would certianly make one lose a taste for just about anything

This guy Virgil is watching football, its the Superbowl, and his team is winning.

The only downer is this is not his usual seat and the guy next to him supports the other team. To annoy, the stranger keeps sticking his fingers in Virgil's ear making a "PLOP" noise every time the stranger's team gets to score.

After some time Virgil gets mad and asks the dude to stop sticking his finger in Virgil's ear and making that "PLOP" noise when the other team score.

The stranger suddenly explains that he is in fact from another planet and he has never been to the superbowl before.

By now Virgil is getting upset as he's missing the Superbowl, but in order to satisfy his curiosity he asks the Alien to prove he is from another planet and asks him what he does for sex ?

"PLOP"

Do I have to wear Knickers too ?????