If you are easily offended by jokes of a sexual nature please do not read this post

a small boy walks into his parents bedroom and catches them having sex.
"what are you doing?" asked the boy, the father thinks for a moment and says
"were making you a brother or sister" the boy thinks for a moment then says
"well do it doggy style, i want a puppy"

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
hair and impeccably dressed in an armani suit steps out of the Ferrari
and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
£4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.
What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."




Sorry but he started it!!

roflmao quality sled quality

daz visits dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.

dave says " me feet are freezing mate,can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"

"no probs" says dave

upstairs dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.

"hello girls, your dad sent me to shag you two"

"f**k off you liar" they said.

"i'll prove it"said daz and he shouts downsatirs

"both of them dave"

"of course! whats the point of f**king one?"

you've satrted something now sled.....o_O

soz i meant sled....quality joke

man hires a chinese private investigator chen lee to watch his wife.
a few days later he gets this report:sir

i watch house

you leave house

he came to house

he&she leave house

i follow

he & she go to hotel

i climb tree & look in window

he kiss she

she kiss he

he strip

she strip

he play with she

she play with he

i play with me

i fall out of tree

i not see

no fee

chen lee

weely solly

I didn't start owt. I'm sure were going to be edited soon



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and

inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there

was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his

word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to

The golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty

much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

This ones a definate edit and I apologise now but it had me giggling


Pregnant Irish girl phones home. "Mam oi tink me waters hav broke!"

"Oh me holy jaysus. Where ya ringin from?"

"Oim ringing from me minge to me fockin ankles!"

a delivery man breaks down on the m4 so he flags downpaddy.

he says to him

"i've got 6 monkeys in the back.i'll give you a £100 if you take them to bristol zoo for me"

paddy agrees

two hours later he sees paddy driving the opposite way with the monkeys still in the back!

he flags hom down and shouts across

"i thought i told you to take them to the zoo?"

paddy shouts back

"i did but i had £30 left ,so now i'm taking them to the pictures!"

quality jim quality, spilled me beer all over keyboard

Lol Glenn. She's gonna kill us!!

lmao lets spam it rudely before she come back O_O

billy was watching tv.next day billy comes downstairs and asks

"dad whats love juice?"

his dad looks horriefied and tells billy all about sex and why a womans vagina gets wet.

billy just sat there open mouthed in amazement.

dad asks

"so what were you watching?"

billy replies

"wimbledon"

a man takes his wife 2 bed and pleasures her with a cucmber.

as she reaches a multiple orgasm they both fall asleep extremely exhausted

hours later she wakes him up screaming

""yes,yes,yes oh god im cumming"

in panic he asks

"whats the matter?"

she replies

"sorry luv, it was the cucmber repeating on me!"

No no stop. We'll both be banned.
Just a few more tho.

paddy finds his wife in crotch-less panties.
she opens her legs and askes "do you want to lick this?"
paddy says "that!"
"look what is done to your knickers

one day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

he he he

To all members of this forum,

I must apologise for the content in the above posts.
In my defence, I feel I must say that


Glenn made me do it!

roflmafao absolute ly hilarious jim

Hehe

i bought my wife a bag and a belt for her birthday

the hoover works a treat now

roflmafao absolute ly hilarious jim

ha ha ha jim im gonna have to gather some more